I Don't Want the Fairy Tale.

I was never the girl to have a long relationship. You see I was looking for the ideal. Not just any boy would do. I said he couldn't be super attractive because I thought those guys always knew they were and acted accordingly. I was a self proclaimed personality girl. They couldn't have dated any of my friends. I don't share. An idea nearly ridiculous in Utah as everyone knows everyone. There was a certain level of spirituality required and this was HUGE. And Values, genuine values. I would see him, it would be love at first sight. He would know from the start that I was the only woman that could ever be enough for him. And we would ride rainbows and slay dragons together. We would be perfect for each other and married life would be our heaven. Happily ever after or something.

Then I met "the talker" who said everything I wanted to hear. He made me laugh and we were the best friends first situation. He appeared right when I needed him. Godsend? But then I asked the right question one night and got the wrong answer. His facade all fell away from there and he was not at all what he said he was, nor did he want to be. 

So I met "the pushover". Sweet, quite boy who gave me everything I wanted. I chose the clothes he wore. I chose the restaurants we ate at. He joined my church even after I made him read The Book Of Mormon in one month. And by "I made him" what I mean is I was doing it and he asked to join me. It should have been perfect. But I had this nag- too good to be true. Fake. He was and I knew it. I found out after I broke up with him that he was caught embezzling at this job.

Ever the fairy-talest. It was just all further confirmation that I have always been destined to achieve my long time goal to serve a mission. Of course I would meet Mr. Dream after. Of course. My prize. 

Two days home. I was eating ice cream with some boys I had know since I was 12. I chalked up the attraction I felt to one of them as nerves. Duh, boys had only been an option for two days. Calm down girl I said to myself. You already know him. He was not what I expected. 

So I ignored all that and got to dating, a lot. So many boys and so few second dates. Speratically I saw that boy from two days home and my feelings never went away. They grew. Those butterfly's got so big. Even though I had known him for, oh so long and nothing had really been there before. Not even a consideration. There went the love at first sight. ;) He was so attractive, of course he would know that. He didn't. He still doesn't. I even set him up with my best friend in 7th grade. I set them up. He hadn't shared the same values and spirituality that I had basically the whole time we had grown up but he was the strongest example of repentance that I had ever seen. 

Home in September, he was my boyfriend by thanksgiving, my fiance on Christmas and my Husband by the end of July. But there were those 10 years before that so.... 

Anyway our engagement went so great I was worried we never fought. I thought maybe I had a "talker" or a "pushover" on my hands. Just kidding. He is nothing like that. My husband is never afraid to share his opinion, and the man will debate that it is the right one for days. He is oh so genuine. Our marriage isn't perfect. Two of our best/worst shared traits are stubbornness and passion. With that we work constantly with: compromise, not raising our voices, respect for each others options, and some how we still need to communicate better. We work on not making jokes at each others  exspence. We work hard at maintaining each others spirituality. Marriage is hard, but that doesn't mean it can't still be our heaven. Perfect never really is. It's been three years and we have two beautiful babies. It's everything I always wanted and it isn't. It's everything I expected and then some way harder stuff. While I try every day to be a better wife and mommy I had to let go of a lot of ideals I had expected when I was single. You don't want fairy tales- they left out the beauty and strength that comes with the struggle. I don't know any magic solutions, but hey, it has only been three years. ;) When I question giving up I stop and really question WHAT I would be giving up. When I wonder if there is someone better, I slap myself. ;) There is not. When I feel the strength of the difficulty I focus on the positive until it sparkles and all the negative disappears. ( that was Gordon B. Hinkley) Part of marriage is hard, part of being a mommy is hard, because life is hard. What good does dwelling on the negative help anything? Ever. 

My life is so much more than a fairy tale could ever be.